Ministers Explain: Why Our Corruption Benefits You

KUALA LUMPUR, 18 NOV (New Shit Times) - Four of Prime Minister Mahathir's most corrupt Cabinet Ministers, Tun Daim Zainuddin, Datuk Seri Ling Liong Sik, Datuk Samy Vellu and Datin Paduka Rafidah Aziz, today held a joint press conference to explain why their corruption was in the public interest.

Daim began by describing corruption as a unifying bond within the Malaysian Cabinet. "There is no doubt that we are, all of us, united in corruption. Surely the public does not want to see a disunited Cabinet because then, the whole country will descend into chaos."

Daim explained that it was only because of corruption that Malays, Chinese and Indians within the highest levels of government could lay aside their differences and work together. To illustrate the point, the four of them linked arms throughout the duration of the conference.

Ling Liong Sik pointed out that the four of them had become role models for what it was possible to achieve just with the right connections: palatial mansions, luxury cars, private jets and bottomless bank accounts. He added that the youth of the country needed high targets as a spur to achievements.

To this, Samy Vellu agreed, saying that poor estate workers looked up to him as the epitome of success. "To them, I'm taller than a tall palm tree. And with good reason too," he added.

Rafidah Aziz chipped in, describing herself as, 'a towering beacon of inspiration for all Malaysian women."

Daim compared themselves favourably with the sacked Deputy PM, Anwar Ibrahim who, because he was corruption-free, lived in a small house and drove an old car. "Such a person wouldn't give anyone dreams," he said scornfully. "People without dreams live without hope. And people without hope generally die. So, if we are all to be like Anwar, most Malaysians would soon be dead."

According to Daim, Abdul Murad's recent affidavit alleging that Anwar was corrupt like themselves was "sheer nonsense" and no more than "a plot orchestrated by Anwar's supporters so as to salvage their leader's pathetic reputation."

Daim exposed the fact that Anwar was incredibly simple-minded when it came to money. "You could put a million dollars on his desk and he wouldn't even touch it!" He also scoffed at Murad's allegation that Anwar had stolen RM3 billion, adding that, "The man isn't even capable of stealing one ringgit, let alone three billion. I tell you, as a Finance Minister, he was most unprofessional."

Daim reminded reporters that he himself, twice the nation's Finance Minister, had stolen no less than RM2 billion of the country's money. "It's a pretty hard act to follow," he said proudly.

Daim continued: "It's true that RM2 billion can build a lot of low-cost housing, but who would want to live in such houses? They are just boxes, unfit even for dogs, let alone humans. Hence, by stealing the money, I have saved countless families from a fate worse than death."

Samy Vellu, also the Works Minister, said, "While my tidy pile of ill-gotten gains could have gone into building hundreds of kilometres of roads, what for? More roads mean more accidents. Hence, my corruption has already saved many Malaysian lives."

Continuing the same theme, Ling Liong Sik explained that while the billions he and his son had misappropriated could have gone into helping pig farmers ruined by the Nipah virus, these good-for-nothing people would only have wasted the financial assistance on gambling, drinking and womanising. "I base my conclusion on the fact that pig farmers inevitably become like the hogs they look after. As a result, my corruption has already saved many Chinese families from breakup."

Not to be outdone, Rafidah Aziz observed: "While the dirt money in my bank account could be used to electrify a lot of villages, that would only increase the incidence of electrocution among rural folks. Now, we don't want to see dead bodies all over our countryside do we?"

Having already served the nation so well, the four Cabinet Ministers promised to indulge in even more corrupt practices should Barisan Nasional be returned with a two-third majority in the next elections. "Someone's got to do it. After all, it's all for the public good," they chorused. They ended the conference by kneeling down before a picture of Mahathir who they revere as their patron saint of corruption.

After the conference, it was discovered that all four had stolen the microphones into which they had spoken.

Seachange Malaysia

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